I don’t know what i’m doing still.
I’m more optimistic about the future and getting to work with Kids at Stefan’s school. Who knows? I could really find my passion in being a teacher.
It’s hard to shake the over analytical side of myself. It’s hard to feel like i’m really creating change without flipping my whole life on it’s head. It’s hard to identify what’s stopping me-mostly because I am letting EVERYTHING stop me…most of all MYSELF. I can choose. I can choose to find meaning in being a good spouse and a good friend, sister, etc….I can choose to do the absolute best with what I have! If I took time to actually meditate, studied my ass off to learn japanese and LOOKED for meaning and decided to be content I might actually stop obsessing over getting out of this rut and actually get out of this rut.
It’s terrifying to think about stopping. I’m scared to stop trying to get better. It really feels like I’m giving up. I feel lazy enough, I don’t want to be more lazy. But I guess stopping myself could in fact be work. Instead of reading all this shit online about self improvement, blah blah blah, etc… I could be exercising. I could be reading and studying Japanese. I could be looking for other activities and ways to learn and find inspiration in my life. It’s so hard….And this negative rut is WELL worn in. I really am not sure if I’ll ever be that energetic, free, powerful and positive Emily that I know I can be! I want to get inside the head of someone who’s truly felt lost, who’s truly felt trapped. And I want to know it’s really possible to change! Because everything I read seems lofty and more confusing. They don’t really give you techniques, they want the lost person to come up with there own techniques or just choose to magically flip the switch and stop thinking those thoughts.
Well, fuck. I don’t know what to do. I’m lost.
I don’t know where to begin….but I know I’m in the right place. I have eliminated some serious distractions in my life and as painful as I have chosen it all to be..?…I’m here.
I am ready to begin this journey. I am ready to take responsibility for my life. I don’t have those major pieces I thought I’d need but I am ready to move forward and actually move.
I’m quite terrified but I’m choosing to be brave and take it a step at a time.
I’m living in Japan with Stefan. He is challenged every day in all kinds of ways and he is rising to meet them and doing his best to over come them one at a time. I want to do the same in my own way.
Again…I don’t quite know where to start but I’m pretty sure it isn’t going to be flipping through free self-help on the internet.
There’s got to be a step I can find that will challenge me to take responsibility for my life and inspire me to keep doing so.
I am lost right now, but I am have an amazing place to start from. I am so completely covered in love and support from all my friends and family and my husband. They are all cheering me on! Even my customers at Northside! Many of them wished me deep, heartfelt joy and fulfillment.
I love music. I cannot put into word exactly how powerful and important it is. I don’t exactly know where I fit in with it. I know I have a voice and I know I can write decently.
I know I like creating.
I like inspiring, encouraging and empowering others.
I like learning.
I like challenges and working hard to overcome them one after another no matter how difficult.
Even though it can be scary and painful, I like stretching myself.
As difficult as it is being “lost” in Japan, I know it is challenging me in a way that is very tough and painful but will produce strength, inspiration, fulfillment and wholeness in a way that all the distractions back home in America I would never have allowed for.
I cannot control everything around me, but I have choices. Plenty of them. I can’t financially afford much but I can take action. I can continue to get swallowed by anxiety or I can start working and taking small steps every day…eventually I will get somewhere. But if I continue to sit here like I have for more than a year, I will just keep sitting here. No one else is going to take responsibility for my life. Only I can do that.
Everytime I sit down and try and do my own thing in my marriage..EVERY TIME I have struggled past my own laziness and self worth issues in my relationship with Stefan he has an “emergency”. I would wager pretty much every time there is no emergency. It’s just him wanting my help with something he is fully capable of handling by himself.
This was a huge red flag in the beginning of our relationship. There were so many things he needed help with and I really ended up parenting him through a lot of stuff. I really believed I was strong enough and that I was helping. But i failed to understand how crucial it was for me in many of those moments to respond with maturity…I needed to stop getting so damn emotional and worry over every little thing he did wrong and I needed to press on ahead and do my own thing. I needed to push past my worry that he would feel abandoned or ignored and that I would be a “bad girlfriend” for not helping him with his shit. But now I see how that just crippled me…us.
I really do love Stefan and a deep, deep part of me knows we could make it. But I don’t know how. Now that I’m here in Japan I can see how again my coming here isn’t actually helping. I am only crippling myself again. I so deeply want to help and be a good wife. But coming here…and especially coming here so soon has only set me up to continue in this death spiral.
I want to be with him. I want to be able to do my own thing in this relationship. But instead of focusing on what I need and what I need to do to fulfill my needs I am continuing the same pattern of putting myself and my needs on hold and being there for stefan as best i can while sitting on the fence about it all and freaking out because OMG I KNOW THIS ISN’T RIGHT AND IT’S NOT GOING TO WORK LIKE I THOUGHT IT WOULD!!!!! AHHHHHHHH (lol).
Japan could be really cool. But the bar is so high here.
The language barrier is far steeper than I anticipated.
And I am falling back into my old habits and my old patterns with Stefan.
This was definitely the right step for stefan to come here. But I don’t think it’s right for me. I wish I could make it right, settle my anxiety and just start going at it. But I am so confused. I feel like I can’t tell which way is up for me. I know I can’t keep sitting in this and I know that I won’t.
I need to do my own thing but I need stefan’s help for EVERYTHING now. This isn’t going to help us flourish. It will only further the death spiral and and choke my growth.
But I want to explore another line of thought….how could living in Japan with Stefan help me to grow as a person?
If I worked tirelessly to learn the language and sought out ways to meet my needs myself….
If I did the best that I could to explore myself with the little I have…if I consciously worked to do my own thing and be happy even when stefan or external circumstances were not good….
My marriage depends on this, but I don’t think it’s possible. I feel like I’d have to have super powers.
BUT I WANT IT TO WORK. 9.27.17
I find myself cringing a lot at some of stefan’s *stefanisms. His controlling attitude (it’s okay until is fucking suddenly isn’t and how could I not know that so of course i garner a severe response) is tiresome. I feel like I’m trying so hard to stay within the lines. I really don’t know if it’s just him or maybe it’s me or MAYBE it’s both of us….Yeahhhhhh I think it’s both of us. He has a tendency to be proud. He likes to be showy about shit he does well or if he’s being good. He wants praise like a child…but then don’t we all. He lags behind me in basic areas of thoughtfulness and maturity. Maybe thats why he struggles to take criticism from me when he messes up.
I worry that he is dragging me down, but I know deep down that it’s me. I drag myself down, right down…and maybe one day i’ll drag myself so low i’ll drag into the ground. And on the stone over my ashes it will read “She danced…on the edge of potential; And dragged herself into the ground”.
Being in the present moment has been a never ending battle that’s only waged harder since i arrived. But i know my triggers now. Sleeplessness. So i have been taking my trazadone again the past 2 nights for my sleep and propanolol since i arrived for my anxiety. Already both have helped. I realized that my therapist was right. She wasn’t just trying to shove meds at me. If can be on these for a little while to help me get into a good routine and to stave off the depression and anxiety and cortisol production for a while I can get my brain back! I can get things back to where they need to be.
But that’s only one part.
I must also tackle…
being myself and being married
I’m tired.
I’m that restless, crabby, bitchy sort of tired.
I haven’t gotten the greatest sleep since i moved here and the last 2 nights I’ve gotten drunk off my ass on Strong Zeros for less that $2.
I’m ashamed to say it but I’m being such a brat.
I need to suck it up and I know it. I need to get good sleep at the right hours and go hard EVERY. DAY.
I’m not me when I’m tired and cranky like this. My memory is poor, my attitude is even worse and my patience is THIN.
Truth is….I have no idea what I want and so I feel like a loser.
I love singing, I love songwriting, I love music….but I don’t work on any of it. Why?
Feelin’
Feelin’ like damn
Damn girl, damn girl, damn girl…
*listening to biking (solo)*
How’m I supposed to know? How do you fuckin know what you want?
I don’t wanna wake up queen of the badlands, evil as fuck
Yuck, yuck, yuck…UGH
The fear grips me so hard I can barely make my day job.
I can barely clean my place, do my everyday shit
Do it, do it, just do it
Why can’t I fucking do it?…why don’t I fucking do it?
I HAVE TO FUCKING DO IT!!!!!
This morning I woke up around 4am and stefan and I had sex for the second time. Neither of us cam (again) and he was so rough with me during doggy style that it actually started to really hurt and I had to tap out. The jet lag + emotional rawness + heavy feelings of ‘not being enough’ = me crying.
Not how I intended things to play out….Stefan and I have some shit we gotta work thru and it’s gunna take some time and patience but I’m honestly not worried about it like I could be. Certainly this is an issue and it’s not some small issue…I think (and I could be very wrong) but I think that there is something wrong. Stefan hasn’t ejaculated in almost 2 years. He cums but besides a pulsing reaction no cum actually ejaculates from his penis. He needs to see a doctor and I honestly think we need to see a sex therapist…but i don’t know how to suggest any of that and it’s not like we’re made of money. He’s the only one employed out of the 2 of us so far and we’re living in the seriously sexually repressed society that is Japan soooooo i seriously doubt we could find a local sex therapist around the corner-but it wouldn’t hurt to look i guess. I think that we need help both physically and mentally in this area though and I’m not afraid to say it. Part of me feels really bad about crying this morning but more than anything I’m proud of myself for being brave enough to say “stop, this isn’t working” even if it meant I was going to “let stefan down”. All I know is that I am brave enough and full of patience and grace for Stefan and I and that’s all we need to address and fix this. I reallllllllly wanna have kids someday. It’s extremely important to me. I also want to have an uplifting sex life with my husband and I’m not afraid to get help to achieve that…I don’t think he is either.
Stefan showed me around the apartment a little more in depth and made us coffee and hashbrowns while we watched Rick and Morty (it was heavenly). But I needed a little more sustenance; so we walked down to Lawson’s convenience store and got me a banana and some tuna mayo oni-giri <— so yummy :)
We walked home, ate our bounty and he got ready and went to work. Once left to myself I got stuck (pretty much immediately) trying to write out what I want to focus/how I want to better myself….I am going to explore the city in a little bit. I am still so hungry and I need to eat something better than convenience store food. I’m a little nervous to go out by myself but hey, what’s the worst that could happen?? Right?
I’m really happy to be here though….truly. I’ve always dreamed of living in another country (especially somewhere I would have to learn a new language) and Japan fits perfectly. God has really guided me through some crazy shit this year. It was intense and overwhelming and insane and painful at times, but the immense amount of grace I have for myself and humanity is priceless. I’ve only become stronger and more dynamic. The deeper my pain and sorrow directly mirrors the growth of the fruits of the spirit in my soul and life. I could never have gone through this year without God and the spiritual awakening I experienced. I could never have moved to Japan. I could never move on.
There was a small earth quake this morning after Stefan left, it was a good omen. I’m here baby!!!! TO SHAKE IT UP!!!!!!
I know I want to grow in my health: fitness, nutrition, good sleep
I want to grow in my Art/Spirituality: journaling, reading/researching/watching stuff for inspiration, learning an instrument, learning to record, flowing in creativity and spiritual connectedness to the soul of the world/universe/heaven.
I also want to learn japanese: I want to be completely fluent. BAM!
Alright, I’ve wasted enough time blabbing to my secret tumblr….time to get out there and explore!
Toronto before Haneda
I am sitting at the airport, I just made it to Toronto and I’ve got 2 hours before my final flight to Japan.
I’m full of all these different emotions; caught between nostalgia and the wildly unknown future ahead of me. I feel good though, for the most part. I’m all outta energy. I only got a couple hours of sleep. I moved out of Christy and JJ’s and packed entirely in the same 24hours. I actually glad I did it that way, I don’t like to sit around and wait for the time to pass. It kept me positive and at peace. I’ve got reasons to be worried and stressed but what’s the use in that? I can only take care of the next thing in front of me and there is so much of this that is just plane out of my hands..so why worry, what’s the use? What’s the use?
Baby, baby girl
What’s the use?
*vampire weekend style*
I had just jumped in my nana’s van (which i’m driving at the moment because I’ve sold my car in preparation for moving to japan) and i had made it maybe 50 feet out of the driveway only to realize I had a very, very flat tire. JJ filled my tired back up and used a soapy water test to find where the leak was. I decided to stay home instead of meet up with Kate like I had originally planned on. JJ and Christy are so nice and generous and let me borrow their car to go get dinner. I got pizza from whole foods, some “rebel” coconut drinks and a chocolate raspberry ganache. I was gunna see if maybe there is someone like jordan or sarah who was free and want to hang out tonight. But it’s monday night and they all work tomorrow.
I love having tuesday off. It’s for this very reason that I’ve got to have it off every week.
For one, I CANNOT work a busy weekend and through myself into another 4 week days of serving before having a day off. It makes me really pissy and irritated and then I start to hate myself for getting all irked and off in the first place…long story short, it’s not good. But I also take off tuesday because it’s a business day. No one is hitting me up about hanging out on tuesday. It’s an oasis from everyone and their shit attitudes and expectations and neediness. I love people, I really really do…but sometimes I get worn down. I think I need alone time. I used to be completely okay with that-needing to be alone; And now I’m not so sure.
I feel guilty.
I feel like I’m worried people will think I don’t want to hang out with them-which to some degree is true, but not really! I just need time to be in my own world. The one that I’ve made up. Where I can get a flat tire and it’s no big deal at all because holy shit I’ve got a whole car still! The world where God is the most high and the center of it all; And honesty and truth and Love and all His fruits of the spirit are valued like priceless pieces of Art. Where you can just be and that is enough. Where your differences are celebrated and you’re encouraged to be the best you God created you to be.
Even if I for some reason I couldn’t get it fixed or fixed right away, even if the car was totaled it would still be okay.
I would just have to figure it out. I might need to ask for help or maybe I’d have to car pool or ride the bus or get a bike or a new car if I had the money…it would just be a part of the story. Part of the adventure. Part of life and living.
A plot twist.
There have been so many negative things that have happened to me that were wrong and awful. That hurt me or mad me sick or drove me literally crazy. And I truly hated being a few of those situations. And I could be bitter they ever happened to me. But mostly I’m grateful…I’m grateful for the shit job I don’t have to work anymore…the jerk I never married…the accident of me being blonder than anticipated…etc.
I know that last one was kind of dumb but I am really learning a lot about myself in this season. I am learning all about flow. How to let go and just be. How to accept myself, what my personal and specific need are and how to fulfill them and trust God to keep loving me and redeeming me and teaching and blessing and growing me.But sometimes it’s hard to feel like I’m not just a complete waste for not being “successful” in the the “eye’s of the world”.
I feel like if I were really successful it would manifest itself in all areas of my life. Spiritually, mentally, creatively, relationally, financially…etc.
But what is “success”…being money rich and worldly successful is purely made up. This I know.
It’s a real gambit.
And a really big lie a lot of people live and die for.
But to truly be successful I think you must be able to “flow”. To accept. Accept Christ, accept who he created you as. Accept the life you were born into and the one you were truly made to live. Accept that you’re human and you fail and some of those mistakes will really cost you. Accept that some of them will actually lead to better things you would’ve never imagined. Accept the love you’re given and that Christ showers you with. Accept that growing takes time and it’d not usually easy but there are some things you’ll be apt for, that will just click, that have always clicked with you. Go with the flow, Follow it, follow your heart where it pulls you towards. You will not be disappointed, you will be happy which is to say you will be truly successful.
FLOW
I’m being lazy again.
But at least I’m writing.
Well honestly I felt like i was burning and the only way to stop the burning was to write.
I’m living with my manager Christy now. Last night was my first night and it went great. Tadashi has been just perfect and has been really nice to pig. He’s only attempted to hump her twice and both times i caught him.
I had a realization at work today…I seek other people’s approval and permission to be myself-to be enjoyed and admired and loved.
What bullshit!
If i really try and wait on that I’ll be waiting forever.
Forever and ever.
On something I should do NEVER.
I know I’m quite clever,
But shit still gets to me, whatever~
Hoow do I get over that though?
How am I supposed to groove with others
And still be in my own flow?
How am I supposed to do the right thing
When I don’t even know
What right is?
I feel like i learned all this shit forever ago!!
But now I have to go through it again, it’s like repeating a grade. It’s not done quickly, it’s gunna take some time.
Luckily that’s something that’s on my side
I’m only 25 [almost]
I got a few decade’s to get it down before i die.
Speaking of dying, I thought about that while i was mopping…If I died right now-who would be there? How would my close one’s react? Would anyone cry from work? Would it feel empty there without me? How many people would come to my funeral? Would Erin come from California? Or Micah? Would Sarah or Maggie speak? Or both? My mom would probably bust out every picture she could find of me and Patty Ridley would help me put them on poster boards. I don’t know if stefan could hold it together to say something, a part of me thinks he could (enough). I have a feeling he would receive people very very warmly. I think it would change him forever and he would have a deeeeep realization how short and precious life really is. I can see him comforting others and sharing about me small pieces of who I am that no one else knows. I can see my sister also being forever changed in deep deep ways. I don’t know what she would say about me but I think it would be short and sweet. Grant and Timmy would possibly share “together”-Grant would do most of the talking. I see Sarah and Maggie also warmly welcoming people and all the boys helping put up memorabilia my mom brought. I see Christy and JJ taking all my stuff back to my parent’s for them (so my family wouldnt have to hassle with it). I see my Nana’s Bday party having a moment to remember me. I see stefan reading my journals and falling more in love with me. I see Tadashi in 13 years dying and Stefan’s heart falling apart again because he was my dog, “our dog”-and now he was gone too. I see deep, deep sadness spreading like a plague to everyone who knew me and for those who especially knew me and my family espeically i see a hole in each of them, a missing piece in there heart that will never be filled, it will always ache but over time and with God’s grace it will hurt less…
I don’t want to die right now. I WANT TO LIVE AND KEEP ON LIVING!!!!
All too recently i did not feel that way.
I almost killed myself a few times over that last year. I felt so low for weeks and weeks that I truly believe I would never recover the ground I lost. I started to believe that “this” was adulthood.
But I know now that adulthood it far from it.
It’s about giving up everything in your life-good or bad-dropping it all and seeking Christ.
God is the only one who can heal us, truly redeem and save us. He is the only one who can restore an empower and change us in way that is so righteous and so pure. He makes us better and more joy filled than we ever thought was possible and even in the face of great pain and loss. He heart is big and he is even bigger His compassion and mercy is just and his love is fierce.He calls my name and he loves me even when I runaway from Him. Even when I make bad decisions that make me crazy and i hide from Him. He covers me, he does not spill my shit to the world. He protects me when I’m strong and when I’m weak and he loves me through it all. He loves me to the very core. He is proud of me, the work of His hands, His creation. He enjoys my company and He appreciates the unique, intricate facets of who i am. He does not keep score and as it says in the bible he throws my sins as far as the east is from the west. Sin was not His design exactly. By making “good”, “evil” was also made. You cannot have one with out the other. He let us choose our destiny. By allowing us to sin, to choose evil, he also allowed us a chance to choose to love and to choose HIm. By allowing us the option to live an empty, sad and tired life, He also allowed us the option of living a full, joyful, adventurous life with Him.
I feel such shame for messing up all the time; espeically because I feel like “i know better”…I know better than to care what others think
…I know better than to ignore or hide from God-to run from Him
…I know better than to fill my life with expensive things or other people
…I know better than to disobey Him or try and change His mind
…I know better
…yet I still have been doing all those things. Lord I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to give my whole life over to you. I don’t want to care what others think, I want to obey and listen to you. I want to pay close attention and do whatever you ask me to do. I want to be right beside you, I want to feel you’re very close by. I want to fill myself with your presence and receive your merciful grace and love!!!!!!!
HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!!!! HE IS ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!
Today I worked.
I took care of some time and went home and took Dashi on a bike ride and ended up swimming with him in stone water, it was a lot of fun. I felt like Pocahontas!
I got upset with my mom and after a couple hours of talking we finally got through some shit. FINALLY. Which is so so nice. I love my mom. She can frustrate me but I love her to death.
I spent the late hour trying to go through all my stuff in the garage-The “apartment starter kit” as I’ve so named the insane mess in my dad’s new garage.
What a nightmare.
I really just wanna get rid of everything. But so much is sentimental to me!!! SO MUCH. Even my plates and mugs and random knick knacks….It’s kinda grossing me out how attached I am to this stuff.
It’s just stuff. I have memories with all of it but at the end of the day I am me and my stuff doesn’t define me..except i feel like i have cool stuff so it kind of does….UGH
I keep trying to think functional and truly sentimental and GOSH DANGIT!!! IT’S SO HARD.
But i am doing it. Slowly but surely…I am sifting through it all and deciding what exactly i will keep. Moving in with christy will (i believe) help make things easier bc I will be storing only my essentials in the bedroom at her house. With that junk out of the way I will be able to more easily go through this stuff.
While it’s hard to separate myself from all the emotions and naustalgia I know I can do it. And once this part is does and over with I can move in to the fun planning of this trip!!!! OF MOVING TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD WITH THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!!!!! WOOOOOHOOOO!!!!!!!!
Stefan has been in Japan since April 17th.
Grant is on his motor cycle sabbatical and is currently in Ashville and sent me a picture of his new tree and rocket tattoos on his legs (which look pretty good).
I just moved back home to my parents house on saturday.
I’ve had a hard time getting in some good sleep the last couple of weeks.
Partly bc I wanted to hang out with Grant and Kate as much as possible-Partly because I’ve had so much to do with all the moving-Partly because I’ve just been going at it too hard.
Yesterday I was invited by some regulars at Northside (Adam & Kait) to come to their fourth of july party. It was a lot of fun. I couldn’t stay late (I was so stupid tired, I had moved all weekend, worked that morning and had to work the next day and honestly I am so over getting drunk and high all the time….okay I guess i don’t minding drinking and smoking it’s just that I didn’t feel like I could relax at this party with all people I didn’t know). They have an amazing little cottage they are renting. It’s right off of grand river in brighton and it’s off this little round lake called Briggs Lake (it’s really more like a huge pond). It was so beautiful! They were such kind and gracious hosts and everyone was very welcoming- super laid back. I got to kayak with Kait while Adam was in the boat with everyone else and it was just the most incredible time. I was in heaven.
I was bummed I had to leave so early, i was just so fricken tired.
I’ve been working a lot lately. And training a bunch. It’s been hard to find good to hire at northside. It’s a very specific kind of person who can work there and work out their. I am a pretty good employee in general. This last year has been very hard and i’ve struggled to keep par with my normal hard working-”ness”. I am going to cut myself some slack though (even though I really just want to lay into myself and talk about how shitty I’ve been)…The truth is I got married last year, I was addicted to adderall and I went through withdrawal and the months of post acute withdrawal. I almost got divorced and now I am moving to Japan. I completely lost myself and I have and still am “re”-finding me.
It’s been exhausting. All of it.
But I know I am stronger than I’ve ever been. In some places I’m rougher in others I’ve relaxed and i’ve smoothed out.
Tonight I’ve decided I don’t wanna get so upset anymore by what other people do or don’t do that offends me or that I think is “wrong” or “rude”.
It’s really not my job to police anyone (this really pertains to my family and close friends)…I already know this but I’ve fallen off the horse quite bit in this area. I already know the best way to lead and influence others in a postive way around you is by example. It’s by exuberayting love and peace and kindness and patience and hope. It’s by yielding myself and my will to God’s.
I don’t wanna get frustrated and cop a short temper with my mom anymore.
I don’t wanna cop an attitude or get offended by Sarah Sheets at work.
In general, I would like to learn the ancient art of go-the-the-flow …
Going with the flow does not mean I don’t have any boundaries. It means I submit my agenda to whatever God has for me and I know myself and trust myself to love myself and do what I need to do to continue to submit and be the me He created me to be.
